Zombie Sex Advice and Turn-Ons!

Well, we all know that some of you freaks out there wanna see zombies …you know… do it, but what are zombies turned on by? I’ve always wondered, and in the spirit of the incredibly bad sex advice found in women’s mags (true story; one article advised ‘gently’ biting the scrotum), we’ve come up with the top ten zombie turn-ons, from REAL zombie readers and lovers.

10. “I like it when a girl stumbles, that’s hot. Something about seeing a top-heavy blond bolting through a perfectly level field, or front yard, tripping over her own feet, and going down on the grass really does it for me. It’s not all about looks though, ladies, –it’s all in the way they fall.” – Larry “Legs” Martin

9. “Uhhhhhrrrrrgg…. arrrrrrrrgggghhhh….. ripped …..urgggg….. clothes….” – Manny McMoansalot

8. “I have to admit, I’m kind of kinky. Other guys out there don’t want a woman who can wield a shotgun as well as they could before they were bit, but… for me… seeing a woman cock a baseball bat, or pump a shell into the chamber of a modified shotgun… well…. just paint a target on me, and call me a masochist.” – Freddy “the Freak” Jargle

7. “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” – Hungry Harry Lundt

6. “I like a girl who gets very …oral. Pun intended; for me, it’s all in the battle cry. A girl who silently cuts your head off or blows your brains out, well, there’s no warning. It spoils the whole cat and mouse exchange. A woman who screams before she’s even got her weapon ready is definitely a keeper.” – Cordy “the Creep” Mansel

5. “I like it bare and raw; a girl who can get physically violent with her bare hands really turns me on. If anything, it gets me more excited to see a girl with bruised knuckles and a bloody lip. A light round of bare knuckle fighting before we get down to business is probably a big turn on for a lot of zombie guys out there, not just me.” – Darrel “Daredevil” Jones

4. “I guess I’m probably a little shallow, but clothes are big turn on for me. Catching a glimpse of a woman in tattered pajamas or a track suit with blood and brain matter splattered all over her, that’s a killer look.” – Johnny “Valentino” Gosford

3. “A sense of humor. Most girls take the zombie apocalypse way too seriously.” – Jesse “the Jerk” Thompson

2. “A lot of other zombie guys think of freshly amputated women as sluts, but honestly, to me, it means she has more experience, and probably knows exactly what I’m after. Sloppy seconds? I come back for third, and fourths. ” – Mike “Mangler” Jackson

1. “This is probably something you hear a lot, but I love a girl for her brains.” Jonas Addams

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